If I died right now.

I know most people have probably thought about it before and at this time in my life I’ve been thinking about it the most. Teenage years are so fucking hard and not many realise because they say ‘you don’t know anything yet’ or ‘you’re still young’. But if I can’t deal with all the bullshit in my life right now, how do you expect me to survive the rest of my life?

So now I wonder; what would happen if I dropped dead, right at this moment? Who would be the first to know? Who would be the first to care? Who would care?

I always wonder whether they’d bother to read all the stuff I write. All the stuff hidden and stored in a battered dell laptop and a newly bought Samsung phone. All the stuff hidden between dressers. Crumpled bits of paper and the like. Would they search my belongings for clues or would they discard what’s mine like they discarded me. Would they feel sorry? Or would they utter good riddance under their breath as they place flowers near my name? Where would they pinpoint all the blame?

Will anyone let my ‘friends’ know? If so how? Would they call or would a simple text suffice?

Would they be proud of what I’ve achieved or would they shudder and wish they’re daughters won’t turn out the same?

Will they open the many files and hundreds of memories stored? Will anyone go through each and everyone one of my pictures and documents and what of my twitter account? My Fangirl life. Will they cherish the fact that I lead another crazy life and turned to my idols in times of despair? Or would they widen their eyes in disbelief and stare?

I wonder, for there is much to wonder about. There is much among the abyss of life.

But most of all I wonder whether my legacy will remain? Or whether I’d just be another dead mundane…?

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4 thoughts on “If I died right now.

  1. As for all of us, there would be some legacy left but eventually we’d be mundane. Just none of us are that special, HOWEVER we should all value ourselves. Everyone would be upset if you passed. Also, you’re a teenager and most of the older people you explain your problems to may not understand because they’ve grown past worrying about those kinds of things. Teenage problems like say worrying about what friends and family thing or worrying if you’ll be successful are not bad in and of themselves, but it’s what you do in response to them fears and downfalls that shapes who you are. The best thing to do is to worry more about your survival than your death. If there’s something making you very upset, find something to make you happy. Also, really ask yourself if the people and situations right now will really matter in ten or twenty years. Also, if you are contemplating death so much you may call the suicide prevention hotline or talk to someone on 7cupsoftea.com. That’s all I could think of at the moment, but you’re post was alarming and I wanted to help in any way possible.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re reply to my post really helped, thank you so much for taking the time to reply and although I would like to say much more, I have no words. I am utterly wordless but can say that your words truly mean a lot and it’s nice to see that somewhere in the world there is someone that will always respond no matter what. I guess I should keep my faith in humanity and believe that it gets better along the way. For now, I’ll try to enjoy my life as best as I can and I hope you can do the same. Once again thank you so much for your kind and wise words.

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  2. Sometimes we feel like no one cares and that we are on our own, but we never are, there is always someone caring for us. Try and focus on those that care rather than those who don’t, and you’ll find that there are more ‘carers’ out there than you think. Teenage years are difficult with the constant pressure to “fit in” etc. but it will get easier, and you will start to enjoy life more.

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